Volume III
"What you talkin� bout Willis?"
Gary Coleman

How disillusioned are you with the world today? I know I am. (I’m a cynical bastard by nature, as if I need to tell you) Nobody told me that things would get this fucked up. My
great uncle Chauncey (he lived uptown) spun tales of the free love of the sixties and the decadence of the “Studio 54” seventies. Those times were glorious in his eyes, but what did that leave for our generation?

I’ll tell you what.

The big hair-one glove-put the fire in my hair out with my free hand eighties.

And what about the TV personalities that shaped our twisted, unrealistic view of the world. Take Different Strokes, for example. What kind of dysfunctional casting was going on there? Did they profile (ala Fox Mulder) those three children and discover that these are safe bets because they’ll probably keep us in the tabloids until the end of time?

Let me give you the rundown (the 411):

Gary Coleman-Actor/Parking Lot Attendant-currently starring as a defendant. (Battery)
A fan asked for his autograph (which can’t happen a lot) and he went nuts and struck the woman. I don’t know the specifics. I don’t want to!!
Dana Plato-Actress/Deceased-currently starring as a corpse. (Really)
It’s a shame. Oh, well.
Todd Bridges-Actor/Convicted Felon-currently starring as (I really don’t know what he’s doing, but I’m sure it’s illegal)

The list of child actors/actresses gone bad is long and notorious. If only we could have seen the future. Maybe then I wouldn’t have dreamed of running my fingers through Blaire’s (Facts of Life) overly feathered hair or the recurring dream with Julie (The Love Boat Tour Director) and Cindy Brady, which would have been a wild threesome. (Julie was into coke and Cindy did some porn) Or even that chick from Family Affair (she overdosed) and
her doll Ms Beasley. (Hey, even as a child I had a sick imagination. I won’t even get into my Scooby Doo-Josie and all the Pussycats fantasy)

What was my point when I started writing this rant? Oh yeah,

Boycott Chrysler Products

No really, I feel that I missed something. Free love went right out the window with the AIDS epidemic. (While uncle Chauncey was bangin’ chicks ten at a time for a dime)
The drug-crazed decadence has been replaced by the vegetarian, health conscience, tree hugging hippy types who are out to save the world (Jude)*. It seems that all I have are my memories of big hair-bad heavy metal videos and fallen TV idols.

Where did it all go wrong?

Don’t ask me. I’m as confused as you?

In the words of Poison (oh my god-kill me now), “Give me something to believe in.”

Until next time…

An update to the update!! I’ve just seen Jennifer Lopez’s new video and I’ve found a renewed sense of life. Yes, I’ve found something to believe in.

All Hail Jennifer Lopez!!!



* As you may notice, from time to time I tend to bash Jude. This is sarcasm and should be taken as such. I really love Jude (not in a physical homosexual way) and although I may “cross the line” sometimes, I really mean it.